I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
