you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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