Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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