if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
