dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
