I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
