Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
