i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
