she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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