He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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