you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
