I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
