I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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