the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
