So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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