They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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