She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
