Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
