i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
