I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
