its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
