o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
