I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
tonight lets celebrate not being married
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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