Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
