I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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