Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
