i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
