you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
