im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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