i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
