Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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