4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I woke up under a house in Key West
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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