I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Randomize
