and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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