He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
