is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
