she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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