i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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