I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
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I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
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Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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