When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
