Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
