My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
