So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
