giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
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