im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there