you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house