also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
