I think I died a long time ago.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
