When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
