I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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