can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
