So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
