Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
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