you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
