i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
