i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
