Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
