he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
