Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
