before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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