I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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