I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
