If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
